Does my family play a role in shaping my identity?
Written by: Psychologist Dina Burgan
Have you ever wondered about some of your behaviors or habits? Have you questioned why you feel dissatisfied with your achievements even though everyone around you is proud of them, but you see them as nothing? Or perhaps you offer help and services to others without them asking for it? You might face yourself and wonder why you do that. Why do you repeat some behaviors or have some thoughts that you know are incorrect or even harmful, but you keep repeating them? They seem like part of your personality and appear automatically throughout your day.
You may have made many attempts to change, like focusing on your achievements or positive traits, and perhaps you read and repeated them daily. Yet, you feel that deep thing inside you pulling you back to previous behaviors and wrong thoughts about yourself. You wonder: what is the reason, and how do you get rid of it? To be able to do that, we need to look deeply at our family and its influence on us. My family in general, and my parents in particular, and their way of dealing with me have a significant impact on shaping my self-image, thoughts, and identity. This influence appears through three factors:
Indirect Messages:
These appear through the actions and reactions of parents rather than clear words. For example, parents may focus on academic achievement and push you always to be at the top and get perfect grades. However, if the grades are not perfect—even if they are among the highest—they are unacceptable and rejected. If you are among the top students but not at the forefront, parents may react with anger or not see it as an achievement. Such behaviors send indirect messages that no matter your achievement if it is not perfect, it is nothing. Another example: “My beloved daughter is the one who helps me with housework.” Such statements send a message that you are loved and accepted only when you provide services to others.
Try to recall some situations and phrases that were repeatedly directed at you. Look and question how they relate to some of your behaviors and thoughts about yourself. When you find this link, you can break it and start changing these behaviors and thoughts and build a new identity.
The Story and Past of Parents:
Do you wonder about some of your parents' behaviors and see some contradictions in how they act with you? Or do they have reactions that are incomprehensible to you, and you think to yourself: what did you do to make them behave this way with you?
Such inquiries may drive you to look for the roots of these actions and what drives your parents to such behaviors. Have you thought about looking into your parents’ past and how their families were and the circumstances they went through that made them who they are now?
Parents, too, were influenced by their past and their relationships with their families. They may unconsciously transfer what they experienced in their lives to their children. You may find that your mother has some traits and behaviors of your grandmother, even though she criticizes and rejects these traits.
Try to learn about your parents’ past, understand their story, and what they went through during their upbringing before they became parents. Ask them about their family, their childhood, and their school days. You will find that this answers many of your previous questions and helps you understand many of their behaviors, realizing that they are not because of you but because of their past. This will help you understand the impact of these behaviors on shaping your identity. It will also help you be aware of this psychological heritage so you do not pass on what you do not desire to your future family.
Your Birth Order in the Family:
Psychologist Alfred Adler developed a theory on the formation of an individual’s personality and identity based on the interaction of a set of family, social, and environmental factors. One of these factors is your birth order in the family, as the way parents treat a child varies depending on their birth order, thus affecting the formation of your identity.
If you are the first child:
If you are the first child, your parents’ attention is entirely focused on you, seeing you as the strongest and oldest. They expect you to be responsible, capable of protecting those younger than you, and one who respects and applies rules and regulations. Your personality develops to become the responsible person they turn to for help and to take care of others. You become a leading figure who seeks to be at the forefront.
If you are the middle child:
If you are the middle child, you share your parents’ attention with the older child. Thus, you developed a highly competitive spirit to get full attention, along with the ability to adapt to different circumstances and develop traits and aspects of your personality that distinguish you from the older child. Due to being compared to the older child, you might appear as a rebellious personality against rules and regulations to show your distinction.
If you are the youngest child:
If you are the youngest child, you receive different attention from parents and older siblings. You are the baby of the family, and everyone tries to provide you with care and attention, possibly in an exaggerated way. This develops in you a personality that constantly demands attention and expects others to make decisions for you and take responsibility. However, if there is a significant age gap and you did not receive sufficient attention, feeling this gap between you and your siblings, your personality might develop to become the successful and outstanding one in the family, trying to bridge the growth and development gap with your siblings.
If you are the only child:
If you are the only child, you receive your parents’ full attention without change. Most of your childhood interactions were with older people, with no siblings for daily interaction. Thus, you might feel more mature than others and use a manner of speaking beyond your age as a child. Besides enjoying the absolute attention and striving for it, you may feel wronged when you do not get it. You might also become a more sensitive personality and find it difficult to cooperate with others, while at the same time having greater self-confidence.
Your birth order can change over time and circumstances:
Your birth order in the family might change with the number of siblings. You could initially be the only child, then become the oldest. Or family circumstances might change, altering how your parents treat you. For example, instead of being the middle child, you might become the oldest one your parents rely on to protect and care for your siblings, even those older than you. Thus, you might find various traits influencing the formation of your identity.
These factors significantly influence shaping your identity. You might appear as a competitive personality always seeking to excel and develop, or as a dependent personality seeking to be the center of attention and avoiding responsibility. But after understanding the influence of these factors, you can work on refining your identity in the way you desire, highlighting the traits you prefer, and changing others.
Try to make a list of the traits and thoughts you want to change or refine and deal with. Attempt to match each trait or thought with how each of these factors has influenced its formation. Then, try to find ways to change these traits or improve them, or make some adjustments. Making this list will help you see these influences clearly and tangibly and help you find solutions and methods for change. Remember that change and development are continuous processes that never stop. Their results appear in different ways and times, so you need to be patient and persistent to achieve the change results you desire.
